Don't pay attention to what they write about you. Just measure it in inches. -AW

arsenalofwords @ 2006-07-11T09:38:00

2006-07-11T13:40:31Z

I'm so happy. I feel like myself more and more everyday. I dance and sing to music again. I'm going to WSC for english and the volleyball coach is calling me about trying out. I love being happy again.

heres the day you hoped would never come, dont feed me violins...

2006-05-28T16:27:54Z

...just run with me through rows of speeding cars.

she died friday.

i havent wrapped my head around it yet. i know when it hits me its going to be the biggest melt down you've ever seen, right now im just trying to stay numb and put it off, cause i wont be okay when it happens.

im worried about my dad. he talked to her all week like he was a little kid again. it was so bad watching her baby watch his mom die.

i just dont know what to do right now. i got drunk at kevins the night i found out. then i woke up on the couch at 5am and drove home feeling worse than i did before.

arsenalofwords @ 2006-05-25T22:20:00

2006-05-26T02:31:47Z

this is how i live now:
wake up, go to ware for 9. scrape, sand, prime, paint, stain, clean until 4 or 5. go home shower, throw on whatever is lying around, usually gym shorts and a sweatshirt, drive to the lake in East Brookfield sit in my gram's room with my family while we feed her morphine, pretend like we understand the noises she thinks is talking and listen to her cough cause her lungs are killing her. i do that until 9 then i come home, go to bed and do it all the next day. but believe me, i want to be with my gram, soon i wont have her, im not complaining.

but thats why im not around. thats why i havent talked to anyone in a week. and why i probably wont for awhile. so no, i dont hate you. i just cant right now.

arsenalofwords @ 2006-05-15T23:06:00

2006-05-16T03:11:24Z

grey's anatomy just killed my soul. can you imagine how distraught im going to be after the oc?

and so i know the plan was to hang out in the summer. but i want to hear from him now. cause im a girl like that. and he's pretty worthy of such girly wishes. and i could call. its as much my job as his. but i dont do that. or i dont want to. cause i don't like liking people.

i don't sleep anymore. i clean and organize my room until 2 in the morning. that is what i do now. and i had an interview at AE today. im so tired of interviews. i just want a job. and a school. i'd like to pick a school. and be done with switching and happy.

arsenalofwords @ 2006-05-11T14:14:00

2006-05-11T18:15:04Z

BAILEY IS OKAY. I do not have a 3 legged mouse...he just has a cut in his shoulder. I still don't know how that happened though. and im a little worried. :( I might be taking him to the vet tomarrow.

arsenalofwords @ 2006-05-11T08:47:00

2006-05-11T12:50:59Z

oh my god. i dont know how..i dont know why...but I woke up this morning and my mouse who had been fine last night and climbing all over things and jumping around...has one arm missing! it might not really be his whole arm...it might just be a cut where it looks like his arm...I didn't really stay and look long...theres just a huge patch where his fur is missing. he's still fine though... its not like he's dying..he's just walking around with one arm. oh my poor bailey...how could this have happened, how could he do that???

sweeeeeeeeet way to wake up my first morning back home. yesssssss.

arsenalofwords @ 2006-05-10T10:03:00

2006-05-10T14:07:49Z

um PS yesterday we went to an IMAX movie at the aquarium and saw Deep Sea 3D...it was pretty much the biggest seth cohen thing ever!

the fish were so rad it reminded me of oceanography! i want to go see the shark one now sooooooooo bad! theres an african safari one too!

I'm in love with the IMAX theater and with a student discount it costs the same as landmark theater plus its 3D....I'm pretty much going to spend my weekends there next year and insist that everyone who comes to visit me goes to see an IMAX movie. and any dates that may occur will absolutely take place there.

MOVE OUT DAYYYYYYYYY

2006-05-10T14:02:29Z

Today is move out day! and while i am sad to leave my friends here. I AM SOOOOOOOO PUMPED to come home and get into my summer routine. its probably my favorite thing ever. Plus AE called me yesterday and I might have time on my way home tonight and stop by for an interview. so thats pretty rad cause i love the manager of that store...she went to school for the same thing im looking to do so she's all about helping me use this as an entry level job and work my way up through the company. yesssssssss.

im so excited to be able to run outside again and go tanning at my favorite place again. and not have to schedule densits and doctors appointments around when i'll be home! I get to sleep in my amazing big bed which is the best matress ever..anyone who's ever slept on it will agree. I can't wait to go to the common and watch gary and colby go to prom! I can't wait to hang out with abby alllll the time because she's pretty not only my sister now but my best friend. i cant wait to hang out with my cousin nick..he just started getting older and cooler too so now its me him and abby vs our family rather than just me and abby! I love that we both love the same clothes so I told him we'd go shoping this summer. haha thats sooo rad. and we play basket ball and its the funniest thing ever. he called me on my cell phone the other day and i was sooo pumped. I love that he and abby can be my friends now and i dont have to be all worried about setting a good example. I can't wait for abby and I's summer '06 mini golf tour of new england its going to be the best time ever. i cant wait to hopefully see april rose because its been far too long since we've hung out. I cant wait to hang out with the Quaboag crew and be goofy. I cant wait for bonfires with my ware kids and go swimming at 1 in the morning in nates super warm pool. i can't wait to work for lori and make money and get painting experience so i can move to the cape next summer and get a job painting mansions. she called me yesterday and said i could call her as soon as i wanted to start working! i cant wait to hopefully get a job at a retail store so i can meet more kids and buy sick clothes and get an in into a company. i cant wait for the 4th of july and fireworks at my grams lake. I can't wait for my uncle mike and aunt audrey to come back up from georgia. I cant wait for matt and laura and jon to come up from georgia again for a whole week this time! I can't wait to see jimmy at my grams house every weekend. I hope my gram doesnt get any worse for a while so we can all hang out and tell stories.

pretty much what it comes down to is that i love summer and I'm so glad that it gets to start a whole month early than usual!!!!!!!

in the summertime when the weather is fine....

2006-05-08T15:30:26Z

I woke up today and thought i was already at home in my bed. which makes me like it here more than before...because i get the same morning sun and breeze here as i do at home. there just arent sounds of car horns and firetrucks 24/7 at home. i'm loving just hanging out and exploring boston in nice weather. the charles river walk is amazing. i did that yesterday with my mom and my dad when they came to get my stuff. Me and Gina have a new nightly ritual that we started two days ago. Everynight we walk to the reflecting pool and talk about whatevers on our minds...boys, school, life choices, body image, music..everything. its crazy too cause me, jes, alisa, peter and diana walked to the reflecting pool the secon night of school and it was the same weather as it is now. back then it felt like summer camp, this week has felt like summer camp too..so im like forgetting a whole two semesters and 8 courses have gone by..i feel like i just got here and im leaving that quick. which is how it always is with me..i hate things until i have to leave and then i get sentimental.

speaking of summer. in the shower this morning I got THE HUGEST urge to reread the great gatsby!!! So first stop on Thursday morning is to the library. I think..I dont know I'm really in to my Chris Klosterman book, so i'll either take a break from that or read gatsby when im done. I'm pretty sure we need to have a gatsby party too. I'm talking for real too... christmas lights all over a back yard on a summer night, dressing up and drinking champagne and martinis. It would be soooooooooo much fun.

I have a job interveiw at Pac Sun in the eastfield mall on thursday. I'm kinda pumped like woah. if they are okay with me just working for the summer and hire me that would probably (unless they give me alot of hours) just be my spending money/ clothing discount job a few days a week. My aunt lynne's friend Lori said she'd love me to help her paint houses this summer. I love her, when I was little and used to spend summers at my meme's and pepe's house instead of daycare she would come eat lunch with me and tell me i was gonna work for her someday. So yeah, that'll be rad, I mean painting houses is pretty boring..but at least i'll get a tan (famer's tan probably but better than being inside 24/7) and I'll have a boss i love and can talk to rather than be scared of.

but yeah, this is me procrastinating because i still have 3 drawings to finish for 2 o'clock. I have to submit my final drawing portfolio. Meg says that she had him last semester though and barely pays attention so hopefully he wont care that i'm missing a few and it's def not my best work.

I wrote a note to my written communications teacher to tell her how much i loved her class and how i looked forward to it all week and it made me realize how much i love english and how now im thinking about being a communications major/english minor. If i dont fall in love with fashion design and still want to switch next year i think im going to ask her to write my reccomendation.

okay seriously..i have to draw. NOWWWWWWWW. and then go outside..cause it's effing gorgeous!

arsenalofwords @ 2006-05-06T15:39:00

2006-05-06T19:44:38Z

the more and more i think about it, the more and more going to Coastal Carolina Universtity in South Carolina for English or Communications sounds like a good idea. that would open up the doors for writing or editing at a magazine, working in the fashion industry or being a teacher. and it'd be by the beach and warn all year round.

I really wish it was the time of year i could apply

katey got into Savannah, the one school i didnt apply to wish i had. i dont want her to leave me here, but i want her to go cause georgia is amazing and so is that school.

maybe this summer i'll take a trip to south carolina and check out the school.

My so called life:

2006-05-05T20:30:07Z

We just went to Anna's taquiera in brookline for burritos for jes's birthday/cinco de mayo. gina brought her friend from emanuel....
it figures i meet the one guy in boston who is genuinely nice, all my friends say is perfect for me and im interested in 5 days before i leave, 1 day before he leaves, he has a girl friend and is moving to new york city next year.

totally figures. are all the good ones seriously taken?

Me and jes went to barnes and noble yesterday night. i bought Chuck Klosterman's Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs. so far it's really good. there was this one line i read refering to the "when harry met sally" myth of falling in love.. "Because when push comes to shove, we dont really want to have sex with our friends... unless they're sexy. and sometimes we do want to have sex with our *blackhearted, *soul-sucking *enemies." as soon i read that last sentance i was just like woahhhh I did that. shit.

once again totally figures i would do *that.

im loving living in boston with out classes. It's really nice to just hang out, go on adventures and enjoy the weather. This last week here is going to be all about that.

arsenalofwords @ 2006-05-03T23:32:00

2006-05-04T03:42:41Z

So i don't know if any of you remember the artist's statement I wrote in June of 2004 for my junior art show. it was pretty much about how art is the most important thing ever and i couldn't imagine my life with out it.

Well I just had to write an artist's statement for visual language to wrap up the semester and year. I'd say it's changed a bit:

I am not an artist.
I am the shell of what once was an artist.
I am just left over ability and what some would call talent. There is no passion, no
desire, and no drive. It used to come easy, it used to be the only thing in my life that did. Creating now, has become just another chore that I am assigned. I don’t remember the last time I made art for art’s sake. I can’t remember the last time I made art that I really, truly cared about. The work that I’ve done, as far as I can see has no constant theme, no constant technique. I have not even developed a style yet, that is, if I’m even supposed to have one. I used to want to change the world, I used to want everyone to see my work and love it. So much has changed since then, inside as well as outside of myself. I don’t know how I can write about or refer to myself as an artist when I don’t even know who I am as a person anymore.

so different.
So with the exception of drawing on monday all my major classes are over. studio foundation is nearly over. yeahhhh.
spent the day reading Andy Warhol: Supernova after class. so good. then it was rainy so i went to the library and rented basquiat and scenes from the life of andy warhol. dont know why im so into andy at the moment (well i always love it, but just in excessive amounts today)

Jes and I while watching the first movie came to three conclusions.

1. All art is fraud, it's just about who you can convince that it's not.

2. All art is some form or another of exploitation.

3. Artist are either convinced that art is necessary and vital and drenched in meaning or they think theres no depth, that its only image on ground and that people just read into it what they will.

it's all bullshit. some of it is just more aesthetically pleasing shit than others.

arsenalofwords @ 2006-04-30T22:29:00

2006-05-01T02:25:05Z

I have never been this stressed out in my whole life. Finals week sucks. especially for me because I have all my classes in the next 3 days and it goes 1. most amount of work. 2.second most. 3.just a bit. so that means tonights gonna be an all nighter and i'll work all day until class tomarrow at 2.

arsenalofwords @ 2006-04-23T01:19:00

2006-04-23T05:25:05Z

just got soooo creeped out driving over the hill from ware to warren.

last night was rad. lissa and jamie are so much fun there wasnt even any feeling of 3rd wheelage at all. :) and adam's band was great im glad he convinced me to go. and i got to see mike green since like forever and he finally has his band and im really happy for him.

kels, mand, kev and i just saw american dreamz...craziest movie ever. haha i dont even know what to think.

i didnt go to work today...aka i quit it was such a joke. now i just really need a job cause i have a car to pay for and an appartment to save up for. i hate being grown up. everything was so much better in the tenth grade.

soo tired. bed.

arsenalofwords @ 2006-04-20T22:20:00

2006-04-21T02:24:18Z

sometimes... sometimes even though i love home and i love driving by howards and up my street and i love my house and how well i know everything here...I still think about going away to a different college in a different state like i used to daydream about.

but now i dont think i can cause my mom got this job at worcester state so they could afford my tuition so im like... stuck in MA.

arsenalofwords @ 2006-04-15T11:19:00

2006-04-15T15:41:06Z

I havent even worked at my new job once and I'm already pissed.
I went in today at nine, like he told me...."ohh ha sorry we're taking the weekend off cause of easter..see you next weekend okay?"

okay fucktard sure cause I just drove all to way to auburn from west brookfield to turn the fuck around and go home.

Went to my Gram's last night to see my 3 cousins from georgia and my aunt and uncle. It was cool. My cousin Matt's wife, Laura came up too. We set up a mini movie theater in the living room. Uncle Mike, Me and Gram on the couch. behind the couch Jimmy, Matt and John had a row of chairs. My Dad was on the side of my uncle in another chair. Laura was on the floor and My two aunts were in arm chairs on the side of the room. We all sat and watched City of Champions, a movie Jimmy bought on the best Boston sports moments. it was so rad. And sooo hilarious. there was one point where some guy was like "No matter what boston fans think, Larry Bird and other heros are not coming back onto this court and if they do, they'll be old and gray." hahaha Matt yells "THATS A LIE" haha.

My family is obsessed with boston sports and I'm so used to it I never notice how much i really do love just sitting around with them while a game is on until last night when we were all there and laughing. And it kinda made me realize I don't hate Boston.. I love the teams and I love the history and places like Quincy Market..I like that side of Boston, the old, down to earth side and the passionate fans. I'm starting to think it just might be my school and the artsy flamboyantness that makes me feel like going home all the time.

arsenalofwords @ 2006-04-04T21:49:00

2006-04-05T01:46:43Z

.........................................sighhhhhhhhhhhhh.

this is me wanting summer. and wanting to be playing outside. and wanting to move out of this stupid box of a room and get comfy in the WB.

arsenalofwords @ 2006-04-03T12:07:00

2006-04-03T16:09:08Z

so im just entertaining a thought here... even though i thought i wanted to do art as a job and i got into my first choice school... you think it'd be okay if i switched back to just doing art for fun and went to a real state college for either teaching or fashion merchandising?

cause these people are making me hate art. and thats sad because i used to love it so much more.

Went to the women's final four last night!!! SOOOOOOOOOO much fun. Me, Abby, Aunt Lynne and my Dad. me and abby laughed so much we nearly peed our pants a bunch. North Carolina lost against Maryland..LAME but Duke killed LSU so at least one of the teams i wanted to won. Except for that game was a blow out so it wasnt as entertaining.

um group interview at Hollister in Auburn Friday..I have to learn to be outgoing by then if i want the job. And then I have two other jobs in the works..heck yessssssss. I AM NOT ALWAYS A SLACKER! haha :)

hey check it out i'm just plain me!!!

2006-03-28T16:54:28Z

I think If I resisted the urge to explain myself so much in an attempt to set myself apart from people with severe mental and emotional problems..I'd sound a lot less crazy.

haha i ruin the whole point.

how to put it simply? hmmm...

Forget all my phases i've gone through and all the things I've been sad about.

I'm working as hard as I can take at my school work.

I like home and family sometimes more than boston (today..it could change tomarrow)

i am not some deeply wounded girl with scars on her heart.. i had a normal teenage dating experience. nothing to stay stuck on.

the only things that i'm not particularily happy about are my grandma having cancer and a limited amount of time left with us and my medical stuff (broken foot and pcos)

I'd like to still play soccer and I might change my major, my school, and my career goals many times.

That's all. my new rule: K.I.S.S. keep it simple stupid. :)

ummmmmmmm ps its wicked nice outttttttt!

arsenalofwords @ 2006-03-22T20:48:00

2006-03-23T01:45:59Z

I never conquered, rarely came
Tomorrow holds such better days
Days when I can still feel alive
When I can't wait to get outside
The world is wide, the time goes by
The tour is over, I've survived
I can't wait till I get home
To pass the time in my room alone

i am totally listening to enema of the state right now. haaaaaaaaaa blink182. oh my gosh.

I talked to apey on the phone saturday and it was AMAZING. I love her so much. She knows me better than anyone ever...I can't belive i ever forgot that.

old 9th grade music totally saves my life.

ps we signed the lease for the appartment today. and i enrolled in my courses to be a fashion major. haha when did I go from going to homegrown and jimmy eat world shows to being a lessee of an appartment in boston and an almost sophmore in college??? ohhhhh my god. redic. like woah.

pps we're too poor to buy toilet paper so i stole a roll from the cafe's bathroom hahaha i smuggled it out in my alk3 hoodie with jes and alisa. haha adventures

arsenalofwords @ 2006-03-18T15:16:00

2006-03-18T20:12:49Z

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW I just read my old livejournal. Me, April, Mell, and Nancy were so cute. I miss those girls and the way we were so close and all.

I like thinking about the past too much. But you really dont always know how much you love certain times in your life until you look back at them...

I never thought I felt older..but reading what I wrote in junior year... I really am older and I have changed.

arsenalofwords @ 2006-03-15T17:47:00

2006-03-15T22:40:53Z

April Rose Pellegrino... I want to talk to you so badly.

I love you. more than you know.

arsenalofwords @ 2006-03-13T20:43:00

2006-03-14T01:38:58Z

well aside from a random dream last night invloving tears and a familiar kiss, slightly still wishing for change but knowing better, the whole appartment fiasco, and still being in spring break mode despite being back at school.... I am doing way better today this year than last.

And that is something I am very happy to report. :)

arsenalofwords @ 2006-03-11T01:17:00

2006-03-11T06:18:57Z

im too pissed off to write this post fairlt so i wont. but the bottom line: i just got fucked over bigtime as far as living next year. yes...somemore bad news....yes please...i can totally take more.

eff that.

inside tip: bitter is the new black

2006-03-10T00:55:48Z

i need an apartment.

for the obvious reason of needing shelter for my sophmore year in boston.

but really because i want a closet to organize using the tips i just read in instyle magazine.

oh. yeah. so after going to the doctor today i'm officially on diabetes meds. because my ovaries suck and are effing up my liver and the way my body produces and uses sugar which puts me at high risk for a)diabetes b)heart trouble/high blood pressure c)chubbygrosshatingmyselfness d)not being able to have/trouble concieving babies. and i have to see a specialist so i can try to have babies someday and i can go back to being skinny, happy Lindsay.

and im pretty sure my gram is supposed to be at my wedding and see my kids. im pretty sure shes not supposed to abandon me. and im pretty sure i'm not getting married or pregnant in the next year. so im pretty sure the doctor is lying.

pretty sure ciggarets suck and you should all stop taking your lungs for granted.

i am so sarcastically thrilled right now.

and you aren't even 2 minutes away to make it all better anymore. i need my pinfl.